Rehab

I've always been the one to take care of everyone else. It's been that way since I was very young. I've been independent & taking care of everyone else for the last 18 years. I'm 24 now, and it's time for me to allow someone take care of me.
I have been an Alcoholic/Cutter/Burner since I was 20. I've done the band-aid quick fix options like Alcoholics Anonymous several times, and I'd stay sober for a few weeks/months. Than I would relapse once the pressure became too great. Everyone has their triggers, and mine are emotional. So mine are more frequent, more constant, less predictable and harder to treat.
I made the decision to admit myself for voluntary rehabilitation just 48 hours ago. I've gone back & forth on my decision several times since then, but I know it's for the best. I've tried doing it on my own, but now I realize I can't. My pride has taken a hard hit.
I guess my point in writing this is to say that it's never too late.

I'm Still Here

I'm okay, I'm alright
Hurricanes and trainwrecks only last one night
Would you believe all I've been through?
Had the hands of tempted fate
Oh, if you only knew
What it costs, how I wait
What I got, what I gave

Chorus:
I'm still here...
After the heartache, after the storm blew through
I kept me and it saved me
I'm still standin', right where you left me
On a cold dark cloud, with nowhere to fall but down
Like a single, naked unrelenting tear...
I'm still here

There was darkness, all around me
There were times I was sure I was drowning
There were people, who tried to reach me
But no matter how they loved me, I kept sinking
I got tired on my own hand, I reached inside and I saved myself

[Chorus]

This time I can survive.
I ain't dying on nobody else's cross
I ain't sufferin' no more unforgivin' loss
Oh, no.

I'm still here...
After the heartache, after the storm blew through
I kept me and it saved me
And I'm still standin', right where you left me
On a cold dark cloud, with nowhere to fall but down
Like a single, naked unrelenting tear...
I'm still here
I'm still here

Silent Addict

Have you ever had an addiction? To anything? Drugs? Alcohol? Cutting? Burning yourself? If you are looking at this note, twisting your face in disgust, you obviously have never been addicted. It's easy to say, "I'd never do that" or "Nothing could be so bad that I would resort to any of that"...yea, I'm one of many who said the same thing...but that was the fruit of my ignorance...I used to think people who would do that stuff were out of their minds, complete drama queens, people who deserved to die if they were stupid enough to do it to themselves...

I laugh at myself now, thinking back at how gullible I was. I got the idea for this note while watching Grey's Anatomy, & a discussion ensued about how could anyone drink so heavy as to purposefully get drunk. My comeback to that question was "Have you ever had an addiction to anything?" Anyone can sit there & judge, but unless you've been in their shoes, you will not understand.

For examples sake:
Imagine being the adult girl who'd been molested all her life, and it's the only way to drown out those images in her head.
Put yourself in the shoes of the mother who's miscarried her unborn child.
Think about the boy who cancels out all the bullying at school with that flask hidden under his bed.
What about the bride who's been jilted at the altar? The lonely girl who has been burned so many times by "love" & she needs to drown out the memories with a hit, another shot of Jack.

Good for you if you've been through some rough times, come out without doing harm to yourself. I applaud you, but you don't have any right to judge us.

That sting of the blade seperating skin, the sweet numbness of the alcohol taking effect, the amazing high from that hit of coke...It drowns out the pain that won't go away. Some of us find a branch, start trying to pull ourselves out, & it's hard. Even now, in recovery mode, it's still an everyday battle with myself. Part of me wants to deal with my demons in the old way that made me feel good, while the other knows it caused more pain in the process.

All I'm saying is that you should really put yourself in their shoes, & try to understand. You may not agree, but I can tell you that anyone dealing with any of these issues needs nothing more than a shoulder & support. Love goes a long way in pulling someone out of that hole they've dug. Support the movement.

See Her...

See this girl
She's struggling
To keep above
The crimson waters
To remain sane
These scars she's borne
Tell the story
The neverending story
Of an addiction
A ghost at her back
Like hounds that can sense
Even a small hint of depression
And they wait to pounce
Until, there it is
And she's done

LOVE is the movement

She closes her eyes
Prays for the night to end
It's all too much
Everything crowds in close
She's fighting hard
Fighting to live
Fighting to win
The sting of the blade
The release in the spill
Crimson waters flow
Precious oblivion follows
Sweeps her up
Into it's numbing depths
She knows no love
To pull her free
She sees no escape
Such morbid forsight
Yet, I am understanding
Such an odd tie between
Herself and me
One and the same
Residing within one existence
One that fights the temptress
The other, defeat is eminent
One still struggles to keep climbing
While the latter refuses to let go..
Mirror, mirror

So Glad You Called

"Today was going to be the day
He already wrote the note
And parked that Chevrolet
At the end of that dead end road

Had his finger on the trigger
Just about to end everything
He was taking one last long breath
When he heard his cell phone ring

And his best friend said "Man, where you been?
We're heading down to the  himlake this weekend
You better not miss it cause buddy I swear
It wont be the same if you ain't there
And I told that girl that you like so much
That you were coming along and her eyes lit up

I better let you go, man I really hope
I didn't catch you in the middle of anything"
He said "You kinda did, but I don't mind at all
I'm glad you called""
~from The Call by Matt Kennon

This song really hits home for me. Last night, a guy I've known for the better part of a decade tried to commit suicide. He text me to tell me goodbye and that he loved me. He informed me that he had taken a whole bottle of pills, and had started on another. I freaked, because I'm in Missouri and he's in Louisiana.I called the few people in my phonebook that knew him, trying to get an address for his home. Everyone said he was bluffing, and majorly down-played it. I had to beg for his address. When I finally got the number for the local PD, it took them a while to find the house because it's out in the boonies.
When they finally found him, he was close to death. He was rushed to the ER, and his stomach pumped. HeMs now in ICU. If I hadn't taken him seriously, if I had been like everyone else & just decided he was bluffing, where would he be?